Some Things on My Mind

I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m a New Yorker or that I’m educated or that my mother was Southern and thus had opinions on everything, but I have some thoughts you need to hear today. My thoughts will directly benefit all of us, if you will just listen. I’m not an expert on anything by any stretch of the imagination. I’m just a normal person with a little intellect and common sense. So let me help you… Please. You need it, desperately.

To the woman in front of me in line at the bodega this morning who was haggling over the price of the sushi and tampons you were picking up….kill yourself. Get the fuck out of New York. You obviously don’t belong here because you spent twenty minutes haggling with my very nice bodega guy over nothing. This is not a Mexican open-air market. This is not your house. The owner of this bodega is not your husband. Shut your mouth. Purchase your goods and get the fuck on with your day. I have no use or patience for you any day, much less this morning when I am running late to our meeting with Angelina about her new movie and needed a 5-hour energy drink and a banana before I went in. And my bodega guy doesn’t need you haggling with him any day.

To the guy in the ugly brown, wrinkled, 70’s looking suit on the subway…buy a new suit! That one looks like it was made in the sixties and worn every day since its conception. Your suit is old. Your faded briefcase makes it look older, and I believe I saw a hole in your lapel. That suit is no longer a good idea; not that it ever was. I laughed at you, as did everyone else on the subway. There is a simple solution. Throw that one away, and buy a new one. I’m not saying you have to buy an Armani suit, just any suit that doesn’t look like it’s thirty years old. Thank you in advance for eliminating yourself as an eyesore.

To my secretary…throw that damn skirt you wore today away! You have a large ass. It’s not your fault. You’re just one of those larger pear-shaped women. Embrace it! Pencil skirts are not necessarily your friend, especially the neon yellow one you wore to work today. It’s okay that your ass is bigger than most women’s, well most New York women’s, just try and hide it or downplay it or at the very least, don’t spotlight it. Like, you know, wear a black A line skirt or pants and a cute jacket, just not a blinding yellow pencil skirt that hugs every ounce of cellulite you have.

One more person to note before I call it a night as the prescription sleeping pill is kicking in pretty quickly along with that pomegranate martini.

To my little brother…keep your girlfriend around. After hanging out with her for the eighteenth time this weekend, I understand why she likes you so much. She’s just as weird as you. And that’s a great, great thing. It’s hard for us to understand ourselves. It’s even harder to find someone else, who understands us enough, to put up with all of our weirdness all of the time. She loves you, and you function much better when she’s around. Trust me on this one. She’s a keeper. Don’t fuck it up!!!