Announcement to All Who Come Into Contact With Me Today

The sign on my forehead should say this:

Today I woke up ornery, and my shoulder's hurting, because I slept funny. I'm pretty hormonal, for no reason in particular. If I were you, I would stay away. I don't feel like sharing my toys; so don't ask to use anything I have. And because I'm hormonal, I could lash out at you at any moment. If you must come near me, make sure you have cheese, a box of tissues, and a sappy movie in your hand, because all will be needed for you to survive your encounter with me while I'm in this heightened hormonal state. Basically, just let me munch out and watch girly love stories on Lifetime tv, because that's your best chance of survival.

No, you haven’t done anything wrong, but that doesn’t matter. Everything you do will be wrong and everything you touch will somehow need cleaning or moving back into place or just generally touched up after your presence has been vanquished from this darkened temple dedicated solely to my womanly needs.

What did you say? No, I don’t need any light other than the mesmerizing, tear-inducing glow coming from my friend, the only one who’s on my side today, the television. I don’t know why you’ve, all of a sudden, grown so demanding of me but I can’t do anything for you today as I am fastidiously attending to my womanly hormones that are wreaking their havoc on my brain and my heart.

I am also extremely busy lying with the heating pad on my stomach and my back, in turn, because both ache as if in remembrance of the child I have not born for you yet. I’m greatly looking forward to carrying the watermelon around that will be caused by you and your sperm. I can hear you now, “Go guys. Swim faster.” It will be fun. You carry around the bowling ball then.

Why am I hostile today you ask? Let’s see. Could it be because I switched my birth control recently? Yes, you knew that. We have been talking about it for months because, as you know, switching my birth control really fucks with my body.

I’m sorry. Surely I misheard you, because you would not have said, “So, it’s like you ate an apple today instead of a banana.” I cannot express to you how so not like that it is!

Maybe you should just send the dog in. She is always welcome. She’s good at drying my tears. She knows how to love on me the way I need to be loved on. Take lessons!

I’m getting back to my movie now. It always gets me. I can’t believe Shelby dies! I can’t even handle it when they go to her funeral. I need to be alone.